he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Its about making memories worth repressing
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
