I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
