what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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