If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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