and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
