if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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