Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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