WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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