and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
