Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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