I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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