u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
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is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
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So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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