Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
