Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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