i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
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His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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