Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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