My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
