just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
