I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
