I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
