Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
