you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
