the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
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I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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