She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
