my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
