Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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