I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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