There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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