I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
