i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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