I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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