i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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