Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
