You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
