guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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