i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
