This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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