do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
