So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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