Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
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I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
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