I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
