so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
