Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
