my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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