She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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