Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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