I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Is it penis luge time yet?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
