He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
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