when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Randomize
