You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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