Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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