Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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