Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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