So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
