Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
