Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
