i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
