i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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