This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
