I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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