I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
