I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
